Reflection.

Saturday night I had a nightmare that changed the mood of what I thought would be a great week. I had a dream that I was driving down the freeway with my dad in the passenger seat and suddenly my car began to overheat. I remember seeing the meter was way past the red line of how hot my car would be able to sustain and eventually my car blew up. My car exploded into a million pieces and along with me I flew into mid-air - just the upper half of my body. But before I landed on the concrete I woke up with that overwhelming built up anxiety in my chest. As I sat up in my bed I broke out into tears - never have I ever felt something so real nor seen anything so intense.

I went back to sleep and woke up later on still remembering how vivid that dream was. So… I looked up possible meanings from what I could remember and this is what came up;

accident:
 - to dream of an accident is a warning to avoid any mode of travel for a short period, as you are threatened with loss of life.
- to dream of an accident, signifies pent-up guilt in which you are sub-consciously punishing yourself over.

explosion:
 - to dream of explosions, portends that disapproving actions of those connected with you will cause you transient displeasure and loss, and that business will also displease you.

wreck(accident said, “also see wreck”): 
- represents obstacles and barriers toward your goals.

And that’s it. At first, it took me a while to really analyze what my dream could have meant. When I first thought about it, the only thing I could think about was how scared I was to drive around the whole day. I was paranoid and cautious about every turn I made when I drove that day. But when I really thought about my dream… And why my dad was in the passenger seat - it all made sense.

That pent-up guilt is about my dad. I’ve always felt guilty about not telling my dad what or who I really was; about my sexuality. All this time he was the only one in my family that didn’t know and I know I’ve always felt guilty about it. It wasn’t until later that night after practice that some of 220 went out to go eat and somehow talk of coming out to your parents came up in the conversation. My friend had actually recently came out two weeks ago and he told us about his experience. It enlightened me and made me think about doing the same thing - but brought a sense of fear like no other.

It may be dramatic to hear but if you knew my dad, he would. If I were to ever tell my dad he would probably kick me out of the house. Even if I had my mom’s support, there wouldn’t be much she could do if my dad decided to do something like that. A recent deep talk I had with a friend really made me think about what to do. I just need time to reassure myself if right now would be a good time. And another necessity would definitely be support.

But as of now, I plan on telling my dad some time within the next two weeks. I have no idea how he’ll react but… I can only hope for the best but prepare myself for the worst.

Wish me luck~ :/

  1. sakuranbohemianism said: im always here for you aaron if you need anything or anyone o talk to!!! :)
  2. sssusan said: be brave and be strong, aaron :) i wish you the best of luck.
  3. aaronapplepie posted this